First things first –
Don’t think for one second that I’m a parenting expert.
In fact, for those of us who’ve been in this parenting game for a bit, we kinda laugh at the idea of anyone claiming to be an “expert” in this.
Buttttttt I’ve learned a thing or two along the way – and like a good friend, I wanna share some of that with YOU! :)
My kids (at the time of writing this) are 12 and 8 years old. One boy, one girl – and a whollllllle lotta personality in both of ‘em!
Sometimes those big personalities can come with big emotions (and all the parents are nodding along with me right now ;) ).
The reality is, we all know what it’s like to have big emotions and feelings that want to sweep over us like a tidal wave.
I straight-up tell my kids that if they can be the master of their responses to their emotions, then they’ll be lightyears ahead of so many ADULTS these days.
For real – when I see the videos of grown adults who have lost their mind over a cup of coffee that’s not made to perfection, it drives me BANANAS! I think, “Man, their life must be over-the-top perfect if they can reason being so jacked up over a cup of coffee!”
Is their life perfect? Nah.
No way.
Is there room to work on how they express themselves?
💯!
And that’s where I’m coming from here.
One thing I have done since my kids were capable of talking and sharing what’s on their mind is this: Hey, you can saying anything you want to – but you have say it respectfully.
Some people will read that – and then re-read that – and then tell me I’ve lost my mind.
That’s ok! This is America ~ Land of the Free – and everyone’s entitled to their opinion.
(That being said, remember – living up to other people’s opinions for my life is something I choose to reject – check out these episodes for more on that:
E2: Are you the people pleaser/ Chief Happiness Officer?
E16: Live Free from the Grip of Opinions (Part 1)
and
E17: Live Free from the Grip of Opinions (Part 2)
Coming off the heels of generations who taught that “children are to be seen, not heard,” yeah, I’m pushing back against that.
Why?
Because that mentality is garbage.
It breaks my heart to think of how many kids had secrets to tell but no space to share them; or how many of our past generations were raising children under such an iron fist that they had no opportunity to ask big questions or be honest about what was on their hearts.
So yeah – garbage.
That being said, I also have a bone to pick with the idea of children being aloud to run rampant with sassy mouths and hurtful, degrading, uncalled for words. (Let the record stand: I also can’t stand it when adults do that.)
The idea that kids should be given a free pass to unbecoming behavior isn’t serving anyone well… those kids, included.
SO –
This is where I land:
I give my kids permission and space to share what their thoughts & feelings are… but the requirement is they must do it in a way that’s respectful.
Respectful to others AND respectful to themselves.
Everyone wants a world where adults can handle themselves, right?
Well, if we (as parents) don’t give our kids the chance to learn how to do this while they’re young, how in the world do we expect them to be able to do this as adults?
—
Listen, I had some adults in my life who I trusted to be the example of “how to be a good person.”
Now I look back on some of those relationships and experiences and I wish I could go back to my little-girl-self and tell her that they were WRONG.
They were wrong to tell kids they shouldn’t be heard (and that’s what led to a lot of hidden abuse – for years).
They were wrong to insist that they were being the “moral” one and that their voice or opinions needed to be heard, meanwhile they were emotionally undercutting and silencing those coming up after them.
They were wrong to preach Jesus on Sunday and sing, “Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world…” and then on Monday start telling little ones to shut up. Listen. You haven’t earned your right to be heard yet.
Can I just sidebar here for a second and wear my “Leadership” hat (that I paid a LOTTTTT of money in degrees to get [student loans stink!] ) …?
WHAT KIND OF LEADER SILENCES THOSE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE LEADING AND LOVING?
[ Hmmm… Why’d it just get so quiet in here? ]
—
Look, I thank God for my parents empowering me to stand up for myself.
My momma put a screaming hault on the long-held tradition of “be seen/not heard” and I’m following suit. The difference is, my momma’s nicer than I am.
She set the example and had those conversations within the privacy of our home, but here I am, blasting it out to the world.
Hey, I’m not trying to cause a fight or rain on anyone’s parenting parade, but I have to be honest with you (and you know that’s why you keep coming back here…):
Treating anyone like they don’t have a right to be heard is crap.
Has it ever ended up working out for good when people have done that?
No.
The answer isn’t giving a free-for-all platform for our kids to say and do whatever they want, though.
No – like a horse that needs training, our kids need healthy boundaries – for others and themselves, including boundaries for how they speak.
You’ve heard it a million times: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
Let’s pass that on to our kids… along with the permission to actually say it.
It’s been my humble observation that people who refuse to allow others to be heard (whether they’re young or old alike), do it because they’re trying to maintain a position of power or authority.
They’re trying to dominate in order to maintain a level of control.
There’s some underlying insecurity or fear there.
And I empathize with that. I really do!
But that’s something that needs to be worked out in their own soul, maybe with the help of a trusted therapist or something… It’s not something that should be manifested through breaking the spirits and voices of other people.
As parents, we need to realize that we aren’t raising kids here… we’re raising adults.
And we need adults who can be confident and comfortable in their own skin, especially when it comes to speaking about what’s on their heart or mind; their hopes, their hurts, their dreams, their big questions… All the things.
Kids are freaking smart, you guys!
They are!
Whether they can articulate it or not, they’re watching, noticing all the ins and outs of everyday life.
They know who they feel safe with and loved by.
They’re deciding who they want to be like when they grow up.
And it seems like everybody wants to be the one looked up to.
My call here is this:
As parents, let’s give our kids every honorable reason we can for them to look up to us and want to follow in our footsteps.
We can start here:
Give them space to be heard.
Be patient with their hearts.
Set the standards and expectations along the way, and give them a stinkin’ chance to stand on their own two feet and own their voice, respectfully.
For me – this is about changing the future for our kids, yes.
Absolutely.
But it’s also about shifting the shape of our American culture, too.
The landscape of our future changes when we’re each gifting the next generation an example of what it looks like to be worthy of looking up to- worthy of following. – Not some shallow tik tok reel that’s been curated to look like real life, but a real life person, doing the best that we can to be honest and intentional with ourselves and others.
Not that we’re perfect, but that we’re willing to fight the good fight –
That we’re willing to get quiet in our own souls and start pulling out why we try to silence others, or at the very least, refuse to listen to them.
Let’s start with our very own beloved children.
—
I’ll say it again, just like I did at the beginning of this:
Don’t think for one second that I’m a parenting expert. I’ve messed it up more times than I can count, and I’m surely going to keep missing the mark… no question.
But this I can say for sure:
Any time we lead by setting healthy boundaries and expectation, and give our people space to be heard, it’s only brought good… to everyone.
And that’s an example worth following.
