In 2014 Mike and I found ourselves in the most difficult, heartbreaking position parents can be in.
I was halfway through my pregnancy with our second son.
If you know us, you know very well that the Fellows Fam rolls with one son and one daughter… So, yes, your math is correct:
We lost our baby boy.
I won’t get into too much of that here today because, as with most stories like that, there are a lot of details and things that go along with it.
The emotions and grief in those things is beyond what words can say, and if you’ve shared in this kind of loss, you know all too well what I am talking about.
Even following the loss of our son Gracen, we knew we wanted another child.
So when I found myself pregnant again, fear did what fear does; it came in like a wrecking ball.
But quietly.
In the dark of night.
No one could see it.
No one would ever know it.
But it was eating me alive.
The what-if’s flooded my mind.
There were unsolicited dreams of re-living of those moments in the hospital when we were told, “There’s nothing we can do…”
Waking up in sweat and tears, convinced that something bad was going to happen again…
And that’s how fear works, isn’t it?
It’s a quiet liar, breathing down our necks while we smile and pretend like everything is ok.
And that’s how fear works, isn’t it?
It’s a quiet liar, breathing down our necks while we smile and pretend like everything is ok.
I don’t know how this happened but by the grace of God, but the tides changed for me one day.
I was reading in Philippians and when I got to chapter four it felt like God handed me a playbook to combat that fear.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”(Philippians 4:6-7)
I took what He said to heart.
“Alright, God – Your Word is telling me You don’t actually want me to be filled with this anxiety, this fear, this worry. If that’s not what You want, then I have to believe that it’s possible for there to be a way out. And since I’m a simple girl, I’m not going to make this any more complicated than it needs to be; I’m going to do what You said…”
(That’s a decent version from my memory now of how that went down with God. ;) )
So, from that day on, every day in my pregnancy with our daughter Grace, I got down on my knees in the living room and I recited this verse to God
(as if He needed a reminder… ;) ).
I made my prayers and petitions known to Him
(as if He didn’t already know them… ;) ).
And then I hit Him with a list of everything I could think of that I was thankful for…
Every.little.thing.
Every.single.day.
And the fear…?
It subsided.
The anxiety?
It melted.
The worry?
It forgot to haunt me.
—-
It’s so funny because I study psychology and research things like this for the fun of it, and I have yet to find where God prescribes practices or rules or boundaries or ideas for us that don’t actually work.
And the really funny part of it is, modern secular science affirms the practices God teaches in His Word – “Yes, gratitude practice has neurological benefits that rewire the brain and people become happier, more content, healthier, less stressed (etc etc) …” – but they never point back to the Author of the thing.
Whatever.
Secular science will never sing the praise of God or give Him His rightful credit. Far be it from me for that to be how I do life, though!
The reason I talk about gratitude all the time is because it SERIOUSLY changed my life.
I watched the effects on my mind and spirit.
I have seen the goodness of God in the valley of the shadow of death.
I know full-well that God’s ways are higher than my natural, mind-spinning, anxiety-wrapped, trying-to-control-everything kind of ways.
And I want that for everyone.
I want that for YOU.
There is a reason why He tells us in Scripture to give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
He knows how gratitude changes things in us.
It’s almost like He knows what He’s doing…
Today, I leave you with a charge:
Start a gratitude list.
Make an actual working list of things you are grateful for, and add to it each day.
There are no bonus points for “big” things –all the little things count.
(If you think they don’t, take them away and see how that goes in life. I bet you’ll change your mind. ;) )
“Thank You, God for the fresh air I get to breathe. – Thank You for the little fingers that marked up the glass. – I am so grateful for the laughter I got to share with the love of my life. Thank You for keeping us safe while we were in school and driving and …..”
The reality is, when life hits you sideways it’s harder to fall prey to fear because you’re staring at a list of God’s faithfulness over your life.
…it’s harder to fall prey to fear because you’re staring at a list of God’s faithfulness over your life.
This stuff is legit.
It matters.
It’s so powerful.
Don’t let another day go by without leaning fully in to the will of God in your life to give thanks.
Your heart & mind are worth fighting for.
I am so grateful for you.
